Apparently, I don't have feelings. I'm not human. I don't feel. I shouldn't feel. I'm worthless. Useless. Hateful. I want to say so much, but I refuse to say. Countless times I just want to speak up, to be free to talk. But I simply can't, I have to shut my mouth up if not I will be deemed as childish, stupid, hurtful, a disappointment. Most importantly, I don't want to hear the phrase coming out from your mouth. If I want to keep you, I have to shut up and listen. Do whatever you want me to do. Every single time I'm insecure, insecure of what we will become and what will you do. You love to threaten me with the phrase, time after time, even though you know I hate hearing it. I hate this, but I can't do anything but go along with it. I don't think before I say, I don't do what you want me to do. I can't be myself, I can't talk, I have to mute my own feelings, my own thoughts in order not to lose you.

I'm in pain, why can't you open your eyes to see that? I don't even dare to speak what I'm thinking because I'm scared of your words, your language, your tone. I'm scared of you. You managed to see you and only you, have you felt what I felt? Am I just your puppet doll? Am I not someone who's worthwhile. Why do you have to go around treating me like this? I just want to be happy, it's getting harder and harder each time I try. You're not letting me and I'm not letting myself. Because it's all my fault, and it always will be. Why do I feel so restless, so hurt, so in pain? It's as if only my words hurt, and yours don't. All you will do is shoot at me, put me down, make me feel worse.

I'm supposed to be happy, unfortunately,

I shouldn't be.