Do you love your parents? I know they might be a nuisance at times, nagging you every single day or even quarrel with you. But deep down you know you love them right? I mean, they took care of you since young and were concern of your every need. Who would not to love them? Unless there's some family problems going on, if not, you would probably love them no matter how much they annoy you. I guess I'm not one of them. Not saying that they didn't care for me, or what so ever, it just felt like I'm not in it.

I used to think, they are my parents, obviously I love them no matter how much insane they drive me. However today, I had one of the worst night at home. I know it's my fault that I have been neglecting them recently. Not staying at home, keep going out early in the morning and returning at night. It's my fault for making them worried and things like that. I should have been a good daughter, accompany them every Saturday. But now, I feel distance. It wasn't so obvious before because I stayed at home with them almost every weekend. We talk, we laugh. But the fact that, I knew that gap has been there for a while. Not 1 year, not 2 years but longer. I refused to accept it. Who wants to drift away from their parents? Nobody.

Today, all I felt was... Pain. Hurt. Disappointed. I was called a dog, everything I do was my fault, because everything my mum does is right. How can I be wrong? If she's not happy with me, it's okay to let me starve. It's okay to not give me allowance to eat. It's okay for me to bear the hunger because I wanted to speak up for myself. What they say as "Talk Back". I don't see the point in talking to them when at the end of the day, it will be classified as talking back. And we get hit anyways. Or shoot back. So what's the point? Better to shut up and agree right?

Tonight, wasn't the night. I wanted to scold her back. No she wasn't a good mum I'm not a good daughter. I shouldn't complain, but I was sick of being her punching bag. Because she's my mum, she's always right, I'm always wrong. Because she's bigger, I have to respect her, she doesn't have to respect me. She can scold me like I'm a dog, and nothing will happened. My dad wouldn't say anything because he doesn't want to fight with her. My mum just don't understand the concept of people dies. They don't live forever. She chose to be angry at someone for 6 months. 6 BLOODY MONTHS with her own brother. We revolve around her world. Everything she does is right, we are wrong. She's the boss of everything.

To be honest, I think I felt betrayed quite a while ago. I refused to accept that she's my mum. That my mum would say those hurtful words. Hearing from people that didn't understand me was bad enough, I have to come home and hear all these stuff about me that didn't even happen. She chose to listen to rumors rather than believing in me. I wasn't very close to both of my parents. When I was young, all I could remember is snapshots of memories with my parents and tons with my grandma. All I could think is, Grandma cared the most. All I wanted was acceptance. I was deprived of that.

My mum even told me straight that she heard that I was cheating on my exes, I was the one that broke up with all of them. And to think I was going through the tough time. To get that information from her, was devastating. Moreover, she's my mum. And she trusted it.

It was when I was in Secondary 2. That was 4 years ago.

I lost my love for her, 4 years ago.